The hightlighted Sylvia!

I am a huge fan of Sylvia Plath-so much so that I wanted to go to Smith just because she graduated from there-and lately I have been rereading a book with all her journals, from the time just before she went to university to just before she killed herself. I find her one of the most profound poets that ever existed-a huge generalization but whatever I love her-and whenever I am feeling like no one can understand me all I have to do is open her journals and its like I have a voice. I guess that is the power of a good poet or writer, to make the reader believe that they have a voice, that they are not alone.
I got it quite a few years ago, and when I was reading it for the first time I had highlighted and underlined lines that I found spoke to me truly. Anyway the strange thing, is that now many years later, while rereading it, I find myself looking for the lines that I had concentrated on, and I still find them to be the most inspiring, the most lines that make sense to me. Could it be that I have not changed, that eventhough on certain things I have worked on myself and have felt that I improved, the 'essence' of myself is still the same? Could it be that the feelings and thoughts that I had when I was 17 are similar to the ones at 27?
How scary is that thought, and how completely uncomfortable. I have been keeping a diary since I was around 11 years old-if not a bit younger-and I still have them all, it is entertaining to sit and read them, and I do that every once in awhile, and what I have found to my complete shock, is that I still write about similar topics. It seems as if my life and the issues that I have with my life, are similar to when I was younger. You could say that this is impossible, I mean come on Lulwa, you are older, you have gone to university, you just started a new job...but seriously they are similar.
I was talking about this with some friends last night, and one of them said that you might be able to change some things about your personality, but not what 'you really are'! I was horrified by this statement, isn't the whole point of life, of living is to change, to develop, to learn from our failures and successes? If this is the case, shouldn't the Lulwa who is sitting in front of her lap top in Amman at 27, be dealing with things that the same Lulwa sitting in the same place at 17 could not possibly have conceived of? Or maybe more to the point, that they might be dealing with similar issues, but that the WAY they deal with them should be different? It is normal that I still have to deal with man problems, but should not all my experiences and the experiences of my friends, have thaught me new skills, new ways to deal with men and the way I feel about them. Can it be that I still rebel against my parents in the same way that my teenage self did, did I not get to know them better now that I am older, and that being the case should I not be able to treat them differently, to understand them better. Have all these years, when I thought that I had changed, when friends had told me that I am completely different then the high school girl they knew, be a lie?
The only way I can think of ending this post is to quote Sylvia: "I want to taste and glory in each day, and never be afraid to experience pain; and never shut myself up in a numb core of non-feeling, or stop questioning and criticising life and take the easy way out. To learn and think; to think and live; to live and learn: this always, with new insight, new understanding, and new love." I guess all I can hope for is to do this, and inshallah I will change...no I must be changing!

Marxism and Love

Am currently reading a book intiled Essays in Love, by Alain De Botton, he is a contemporary writer, British, and this book is a great read. It is philosophy bas written in the style of a novel, kind of like Sophia's World, and its grreat!


What I have gotten from this book is the idea of a Marxist love. Now I am sure that quite a few of you know a lot about Marxism, but the aspect that this book uses, is an old joke made by Marx who laughed about not deigning to belong to a club that would accept someone like him as a member-a truth as appropriate in love as it is in club membership. This Marxist position, is funny because it is absurd:
"How is it possible that I should both wish to join a club, and yet lose that wish as soon as it comes true?"
De Botton takes this idea and states: "If in order to love, we must believe that the beloved surpasses us in some way, does not a cruel paradox emerge when they return the love? We are led to ask, 'if s/he really is so wonderful, how is it possible that s/he could love someone like me?'" I for one completely understand this, there have been so many cases where I have fancied a guy, and become completely obsessed with him, only to find that I completely-and I mean COMPLETELY-loose interest when he starts to like me. I have on a number of occasions, not only put the guy on a pedestal, but did that consciously, and with great effort, thinking that he is so good looking, so smart, so funny, so popular, and I fell for them utterly. Only to ask myself when they liked me, "What have I done to deserve this?"
In Essays of Love, De Botton takes this idea a step further stating that, "few things can be at once so exhilarating and so terrifying as to recognize that one is the object of another's love, for if one is not wholly convinced of one's own loveablity, then receiving affection may feel like being given a great honour without quite knowing what one has done to earn it." I for one fall right in the centre of this, don't' get me wrong, I don't lack confidence in my abilities or in myself, as much as I am completely surprised when other people show or confirm this confidence. Perhaps because the origins of a certain kind of love lie in an impulse to escape ourselves and our weaknesses by an amorous alliance with the beautiful and powerful-God, the club, Her/Him. But if the beloved loves us back (God answers our prayer, if membership is extended), we are forced to return to ourselves and are hence reminded of the things that had driven us into love in the first place. "Perhaps it is not love we wanted after all, perhaps it was simply someone in whom to believe, but how can we continue to believe in the beloved now that they believe in us?"
I have on a number of occasions meet a guy, liked him, he liked me, and I thought to myself, yeah he likes me now but what will happen after having gone out a number of times, spoken about everything from politics to Sienfeld sort of issues, will he start to lose interest?
This 'fear' is imbeded in classic Marxist thought, where love is desired, but impossible to accept, for fear of the disappointment that will ensue when the true self is revealed, a disappointment that has normally already occurred but is now projected on to the future. Marxists feel that their core self to be so deeply unacceptable that intimacy will only reveal them to be charlatans! So they ask themselves why accept the gift of love, when it is sure to be taken away imminently? "If you love me now, that is only because you are not seeing the whole of me, thinks the Marxist, and if you're not seeing the whole of me, it would be crazy to grow used to your love until such as time as you do." In other words for a Marxist, love is a Catch 22 senario!
What was interesting also in De Botton's theory, was when he talked about unrequited love, he says that it might be painful, but it is safely painful, because it does not involve inflicting damage on anyone but oneself, "a private pain that is as bitter-sweet as it is self-induced." But when love is returned, one has to take on the responsibility of not only being hurt, but the possibility of perpetuating hurt oneself.
To be loved by someone is to realise how much they share in the same dependent needs the resolution of which had attracted us to them in the frist place. We would not love if there was no lack within us, but paradoxically, we are offended by a smiliar lack in the other. "Expecting to find the answer, we find only the duplicate of our own problem." We realise how much they too need to find an idol, we see that the beloved does not escape the sense of helplessness, and are foced to give up on our passivity of hiding behind admiraion and worship, in order to take on the responsibility of both carrying and being carried!

How Sad is this?

Just yesterday I was writing how great it was what had happened in Palestine, and how the elections had gone so smoothly...only to read today on Aljazeera, that there have been clashing between Hamas and Fateh people on the streets of Gaza, how sad is this.
Then I went on to read that Dahlan, a leader in Fateh, that he won't participate in any government that has Hamas in it, even thought Abbas announced that he is going to start to work straight away on creating this government. The Dahlan announcement came after Hamas stated that it wanted to create a government that was a coalition with other political forces in the Palestinian scene.
The article then went on to say that Hamas has made its first statement regarding Israel, stating that it was willing to extend the Hudna if Israel was willing to respect the Palestinian decision to grant Hamas 76 seats versus the 43 of Fateh.
I think that this is truly a very interesting development in the political situation in Palestine, where the party that had traditionally been closed and unwilling to negotiate or to compromise, is now willing not only to do that with other Palestinian forces, but also to talk to Israel. I for one find this quite interesting, what does this mean when it comes to what Hamas wants? Is Hamas following in the footsteps of Hizbullah? Hizbullah has been in the political game in Lebanon for quite a while, and had at some point after Harir was killed, made a alliance with forces such as the Lebanese Forces, which they traditionally been enemies. I guess if one looks at what is happening in Lebanon now, and the falling apart of these alliances, one would be skeptical of the motives behind Hamas's willing now. But I think that to really test what Hamas wants, and to see how it will run the country, one has to give them a chance.
The way that some leaders within Fateh are dealing with this new situation, shows a really political immaturity, an inability to deal with the fact that the Palestinian people are not happy with how the country has been run so far. Maybe more to the point is the fact that these leaders are worried that Hamas will now have a chance to look at the books, to see the level of corruption and maybe force a change. I think that is why the majority-or lets say a high percentage of Palestinians not only in Gaza but in the West Bank and Occupied Jerusalem have voted for them. It is time for a change, a time for things to be shaken and a new leadership to take the helm, a chance for the people of the Arab world to see what would happen if one of these Islamist movements took power. We saw what happened in Iran, but for the majority of Arab states-where the Sunni make the biggest numbers-Iran is not a great example, and in Algeria the Islamists were not given a chance. I hope the same thing does not happen in Palestine...fingers crossed...and lets see what happens!

Hamas to form a government

Can you believe it...not only did Hamas win more than 80 of the seats in parliament, but the Palestinian prime minister, Ahmad Qurei, is resigning and is handing over the responsibility of making a government to Hamas...can you believe it?!?!?! I am in shock, I write my PhD on this movement, and never is my widest dreams did I ever expect them to want to join the elections, win so many seats or now be in the running to set up the government...it is amazing and I think all Arabs but especially Palestinians should be proud of what just happened in the Occupied Territories. The people who are living under occupation, who only yesterday had to deal with Israeli forces entering Ramallah and surrounding a building, have come out in droves-71% of voter turn out-but have done it peacefully, with no need for the tight security that was provided by the Palestinian police. I am very proud, and like I said in an earlier post, jealous...how amazing it would be to live thought that...watching it on Aljazeera, the discussions, that arguments, the posters the campaigning...WOW!!!!!
What is truly disappointing is how the 'super-power' has decided to deal with this turn in events, on the aljazeera web-page, I read that George Bush is saying that even if Hamas wins they will not negotiate with them since they are still considered by his government as a terrorist organisation. Seems a bit OTT if you ask me, and quite hypocritical, how can he in one quote say that it is wonderful that the Palestinians have had such a smooth and successful democratic elections, he still won't deal with who they voted for. I guess one could say that the world could have said that same when the Americans voted for Bush for a second time, I would say that more than half the population of Earth was disappointed, and didn't want to deal with a government that they considered terrorist, yet people have done that...out of respect for democracy and what is stands for. The Europeans are being as vague as possible, with the spokesperson saying that they will wait for the meeting of the Foreign Ministers taking place in Brussels, the only European country to have made a comment is Sweden-yeah I know unexpected-where they stated that Hamas would have to change its policy if it was to negotiate with the EU and Sweden in particular...well we will have to wait and see.
What I find truly disgusting-or maybe that is to strong a word-is that how can countries who say that they stand for freedom and whatnot, come and tell a group of people who have voted fairly and with international supervisors stating that it was a smooth election, that sorry but the people who you voted for and by defacto voted for what they stand for-armed resistance-will have to change. In other words the platform that you want, is not going to happen...but we want to improve democracy and get rid of corruption on the government level, and promote transparency...funny...For sure!!!!
What I am worried about, is what kind of government with Hamas form, what kind of laws will they try and pass. If one looks at Gaza which has been their strong hold, one can see a lot of laws, where for me as a Palestinian woman, I would be upset. The veil has become a must, women are not as free or able to do what they want like in the West Bank or even only a few years ago in Gaza itself. That is what I find worrying, for me it is not that they believe in armed resistance-back them up on that one-but that they might curb some of the rights that Palestinians take for granted-which aren't many since they live under occupation...but still, I have always felt-and this election proves-that Palestinians are different, they are willing to discuss, to have difference of opinion, to actually have a society that is not all the same, or wants to be all the same...that I think is wonderful, and we as Arabs living in other countries-especially one so close-should look at what happened in Palestine, and compare it say with the elections in Egypt, in Lebanon-the supposed only democracy in the Arab world-and then learn how to be open to differences, to the fact that I am a bit different from you, does not mean that I am any less patriotic.

Palestinian Elections

Today is an important day in the life of the Palestinian people. At 8 am the doors to the election centers all over the West Bank, Gaza and in Jerusalem were opened, and people started flooding in to cast their voice. How envious I am of that, as a Palestinian (half) I wish that I was there, to feel that excitement, to know that what I was doing would change the course of my life, and the life of my people. This is only the second election to take place in the Occupied Palestinian territories since the creation of the Palestinian Authority, in 1994. The amount of parties and candidates that are put forward is also an amazing thing, not only do they all seem to have a platform but also they represent all aspects of society. What I am also enjoying is the fact that there are women in most of the party lists.
What makes these elections even more important, as I am sure a lot of you are aware, is the fact that Hamas is joining in! What a shock that was for a lot of people, and also quite confusing...how can an organisation that states its purpose is to liberate its people, to create a country called Palestine using armed resistance. For this kind of orgnaisation to want to join the political world, a world where it will have to negotiate with the enemy, where it will have to sit across the table from them and try and get things from them through negotiation...seems quite odd to me.
Yet I guess that is the whole point of politics, its to be able to adapt to change, to be able to move with the times. Yet when does that change from pragmatism to opportunism. Some scholars have been saying that Hamas has had this planed all a long, that all its resistance and fighting was to get to this stage...some even go as far as saying that Hamas is just another Fateh, that what it is going though now Fateh went through years ago, and that they will all end up at the same stage. I don't know if I agree with that, but what I do find strange and confusing is that Hamas still talks about wanting to resist and to fight, yet how can you be in government, go to negotiations with Israeli officials and then state that you want to fight them? Am I being to narrow minded, am I not allowing this orgnaisation to develop and change, to maybe change the rules of the game, where one can be a resistance army and at the same time work to get some benefits for its people...maybe what Hamas wants to do is to negotiate with Israel on things like prisoners of war, refugees, water rights, things like that.
What is also interesting is that there are people and countries that are terrified that Hamas might actually win a lot of seats. One of these people, surprisingly is Mahmoud Abbas, who is quoted on the Aljazeera webpage saying: "that five years ago he would never has expected this movement to have such a huge following, he went on to say that part of the responsibility for this popularity falls on Fateh." Another of course is the United States and Israel, who have been making threats that if Hamas wins seats that is might stop funding, or to re-occupy areas of Palestine. There is a rumour-which Fateh has denied-that the United States government paid them over $2 million to help with their campaign. I guess this is not the point, what is so interesting is what will Hamas do when it is in power, when it has to create a government in coalition with Fateh...how will they be able to work with each other, or maybe a more appropriate question is will they be able to work together?

Rose tinted glasses?

I just started a new job, working for an amazing NGO here, I have only been here for a week, so I still don't know that much about how it works and what it does. But I have been learning quite a bit, and the most amazing thing for me right now is the field work. I have been to a Women's centre in Madaba and to three different villages in Mafra'. I went to visit the pockets of poverty-for those of you who don't know that that is, it is a project set up by the Ministry of Planning, where they have mapped out the areas in the Kingdom that suffer the most poverty and then bring in different NGOs to come and help resolve some of the issues faces the people.
What this NGO is trying to do in these areas is quite amazing, its to train that people that whatever their needs are the government has a responsibility towards us as its citizens. We pay taxes and thus they have to provide services. I have always thought that one of the things that is a real issues for us here in the Middle East, is the fact that our civil society seems to be taking over some of the duties of the government, providing schools, health centres, etc.. What we as a people need to do is to start asking, no, demanding that our government steps up. And it should not be because we are from a certain family, tribe, or town...we should not base our requests on the fact that we are 'Jordanian-Jordanian' or 'Palestinian-Jordanian'...but purely that we are citizens and under the law in this country our government has to provide these things.
But what was really amazing for me, is the complete culture shock...I have been living in Jordan-or to be more correct Amman-for 5 years before I went to university in the UK, but what I realised is that I am not really Jordanian...or to be more accurate I have no idea what the majority of Jordanians have to deal with on a daily basis.
I have been to schools where they flood in winter from the sewage, where teachers still hit-with sticks and on the bottom of the feet-where they do not have curtains-so it gets really hot in summer and really cold in winter-where the windows can't be opened, so if the door is closed the class-room becomes stuffy. I have been to health centres where they don't have enough doctors, equipment, or what is even worse, the equipment but no one who knows how to use them. A lot of this is based on the fact that our teachers and doctors are going to the Gulf where they are being paid more money, and have better facilities, where they have more of a chance to climb the ladder and in the end provide money for their families back in Jordan.
I guess this all sounds really depressing...and it is...but what was amazing is that the idea that I had that Jordanian are passive people, who don't know how to stand up for themselves, has been trashed...people have great ideas, and they are motivated to try and change things, they want to do that...they want to improve their lives, and the lives of their families...they just need more access to the policy-makers, the people who decide where the money goes. I guess our role as a civil society is to provide that access, and our role as part of the elite is to go out and work in these things, even on a voluntary basis...to understand what people really need and what issues they are facing and then to try to force a change. We are the ones who have access to the decision-makers, we have the money, the time, the education, to bring the voices of these people to the top, to force the top to listen to understand and most importantly to change.
I am not calling for a revolution, I am only calling for us to become more active in our country, to really work for the better of the whole, not because that is the 'morally' right thing to do, but because if we can make this change then it will effect all our lives, our country will be able to compete with the rest of the world economically, and we as a people will feel proud. This pride should not be based on just well I am from here so I am proud, but it should be based on the fact that our country can be wonderful, for everyone not just for the 5% at the top.
Am I to much of an idealist, looking at the world through rose tinted glasses, and will thus at some point fall flat on my face, maybe, but to be honest I am willing to take that risk!

Why Does it have to be so complicated?

Why is it that men and women can't just get on...as friends...I used to completely disagree with the quote from the film When Harry Met Sally, when he says that men and women can never be friends. I for one have always had friends who are male, and I sometimes get a long with them better than with some of my female friends...but lately I have been facing problems...where there is a huge gap of misunderstanding.
If you listen to friends of mine, the blame is placed squarely on my shoulders, I am the drama queen, I make a mountain out of a mole hill, I wanna talk and discuss and analysis all the time...you are the woman you are to emotional you need to Chill Winston Chill!!!! But to be honest, I think men are just as much drama lovers as women, they just know how to hide it better!
I do make drama, and I hate it...don't get me wrong, I love it also...its kind of a love hate thing...but I always come to my senses at some point and I try to correct what I might have done...but of course that is taken as me making an issue and the circle goes around.
I am right now having a bit of a fight with one of my good friends, we lately have been unable to talk to each other, there are many reasons for that, and not really the point of this post...but what is shame is that I am not allowing myself to talk to him, to try and resolve this, I don't want him to think that I am a nag, that I want and love drama...so am just letting thing go...but at the same time, am worried that it might all go pear shaped...guess part of the reason why I am writing this is that maybe he will read it...or someone will read it...and send some good advice my way...should I make a drama to resolve this...or should I just let it go?
Again the question repeats itself: why does it have to be so complicated? Why can't we pick up the phone and talk 3adi...move on...learn and just get on...some people tell me fights make friendships stronger...I am slowly realising that this might be true, but to many fights and people just get fed up!
Inshallah this is not the case this time...

A different night out

Last night I went out with a new group of people, well not so much new, one of them is a friend of mine who I had not seen in a while and the other was a girl who does a PhD similar to mine and in the UK as well...so we went to Amigo for drinks and it was such a breath of fresh air. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and have a great time laughing with them, and going to trips and just chilling...but what I realised last night is that I miss having deep, meaningful, politically charged, voices get loud and hands waving in the air sort of conversations. When you spend a lot of time with people, you get to know each other really well, and that is great, but at the same time one has less and less to say, there ends up being a lot of joking and just mindless banter, and I love that. But to sit with new people, and to listen to myself, and realise how much what I say does effect what they will think of me, and how much because I am so used to being around people who know me so well, I have somehow forgotten some of my social skills...but that is beside the point...what I found great about last night, is that I was talking politics, and talking about my wish to change the world, to positively effect not only Amman, Jordan, The Middle East, but the whole world. I as not being told to be more realistic, and oh Lulwa don't worry about it so much...or causing my friends to go into fits of laughter...the answer I got was, 'I believe in Pan-Arabism also'...what made it all even better was that I was told about a great idea to bring musicians, poets and just normal people together from all over the Arab world...for us to start to create a common language, a common understanding of how we want our region to be and what role we want to play in this ever changing world.
I think that what I find lacking in my life in Amman, is the chance to have these kinds of conversations with people, it seems to me that most of the time people just want to go out grab a bit to eat, a drink, and go home and sleep. Our generation of young working women and men in Amman, seem to lack the motivation to want to do something with our country, or maybe that is unfair, what we lack is the wish to talk to discuss to actually think about something other than where will my next trip be to, or what shall I buy, eat, drink, go and do tonight...I guess I am the same also, I mean don't get me wrong I am not supposing that I am better than anyone. But I just found it amazing last night, to talk about Marxism, Gramsci, Nasser, the Dolphine...also talking about the latest book I had read, what do I like reading...why do I hate reading books by men who paint a woman who is weak and unable to deal with the world, yet I am willing to read a book exactly like that as long as a woman had written it.
I loved last night, and I wished the whole time that my friends were with me, I knew that they would have enjoyed it, would have participated, and I felt bad that I had not made them come with me. But I guess there will be other times, at least I hope!