Exiled from Heaven

"Um, good evening...or should I say, good morning. The time is twenty-five to five, and I've been sitting here for some time now, actually...(?) from a party which I quite enjoyed, but you know, it's... One has one's reservations when one has quite enjoyed oneself, but one has to make reservations because, um, the people were particularly interesting...in moments of stress, such as was this journey home, one forgets so easily, the lies, the truth and the pain...and so I'm wavering from the point... What I was trying to say...um, when I sat here I had an extremely pleasant time on the piano actually. I was playing the piano and sort of singing, and I rather fear I may have kept people awake upstairs...one hopes not, but it was pleasant, and it's extremely pleasant sitting here now, because I think there is something extraordinarily nice about seeing the dawn up before one goes to bed, because there's something uncanny about it, when it suddenly becomes light, because one connects darkness with going to bed, surely...um, and when one is still up when it becomes light, and it's a new day, and you still haven't gone to bed, to sleep, because the night equals sleep, so easily, and when one is still up when the new day begins, it is something of an (achieved?) experience, I always find. I can look out of the window now, and that tree over there is green, whereas before one goes to bed, just when one goes to bed, that tree should be black, surely. Everything should be black before one goes to bed, but that is surely the essence of the romantic. Anyway, I think I'm straying from the point. I shall probably stop now because, um, if I don't I shall start sort of surrealating on life histories and things, which will be frightfully tedious. So it's here that I'll sort of say good night, you know... Good night."

-Nick Drake
(June 19, 1948 – November 25, 1974) was a British singer/songwriter.

Thought Piece

Its 5:30 am...and I am up...watching the sun rise over Amman...and working hard on this never ending PhD of mine...and after wasting time playing cards with friends-wasting as in should have been working mish wasting as in I didn't enjoy it-I have decided to stay up as long as I can, with the help of coffee-and just crash when I crash.
Now of course rather then actually working on it...I have spent the last couple of hours looking at blogs...writing in mine...trying to find a picture to put with the last post...well ANYTHING bas not have to open my word document and continue writing. How frustrating it is, and how time consuming it is, I mean rather then try and find all these things to do, I could just have done the one thing I needed to do. And what is even more funny-well in my current state of mind I find it funny-is that all the energy and time spent doing this-the wasting of time-I am sure I would be at least another couple of thousand of words further into my chapter. I think that is the issue-I call it a chapter...I am sure if I called it a section/essay/thought piece...I would not be so threatened/intimidated by it...I mean to think that I am writing a CHAPTER is a bit much...ok...I have wasted enough of your and my time...I shall go back to my thought piece...see what I can come up with before my eyes and brain really shut!

Morally Corrupt

I have always been a cheater...in every game I have ever played in, if I saw a chance to cheat I took it...without looking back aw having a bad conscience about it. I don't see anything wrong with cheating when playing a game of cards, chess, badminton and even games when I play against myself like Tekken on my old PlayStation! You can all point at me and call me a cheater-which I am-bas I am quite sure that most, if not ALL of you have cheated at some point in a game.
The best is when you are playing Tarneeb (Trumps) and you wanna tell your partner which suit to choose, and you come up with lines like, Oh its so true that Diamonds are a girls best friends...or did you hear that Brad Pitt had a HEART attack yesterday...god we really need to plant some TREES in this garden...well those are the only ones I can think of...the heart which a stick ups it's ass is a bit hard to come up with a sentence for!
I have cheated on exams, not only in school bas all the way through University-I used to think that one could hide books aw notes in the toilets...so when you go to the lou you can take a few minutes and read them. I never did it...bas in school my friends and I had a whole system for multiple choice answers, and how to get the answers to each other.
The only thing I have not cheated on, is any of my exs. I have always been loyal to them, and that is the one place/time that I would not find cheating worth doing. I must be honest I have thought about it...you know you see someone goodlooking aw you talk to someone interesting and you wonder...hmmmm...should I...bas I wouldn't.
But to be honest I don't find cheating such a great crime-I mean we are all happy when someone says that they have cheated death! (kidding)
Bas in a game of cards...it can be fun...especially when you do something really really really obvious and no one notices...the feeling IS AMAZING!!!

"Because what's love but an itch we can't scratch,

a joke we can't catch

But still we laugh"


-Jewel

Heartbreak

We have all had our hearts broken at some point in our lives. Here I am not talking about it in the abstract sense, I am talking about when you literally feel your heart going into two pieces-yeah ok it is abstract since the heart never actually gets broken. Heartbreak can be caused when someone you love tells you that they love you no longer, the man/woman you are with leaves you. Bas I have come to the conclusion that the worst heartbreak is when you realise that the person you love is no longer someone you can love. I mean when you realise that the person you have put all that time, energy and just pure belief in them, that they are just not who you thought he/she really is, that they don't deserve to have taken up so much of your time, energy and belief in them.
I don't know if I am making sense, bas I realised yesterday while sitting in my garden having a drink and listening to my ipod, that from all the heartbreaks that I have experienced this is the worst. La2no it is not about that other person, it really is about you, you not being able to make good choices, you put all of YOURself into this relationship-whatever it is friendship aw more, and they not being worth it in the end. Maybe worth it is to strong an expression, or maybe it is the right one.
But I really think that this is the worst heartbreak ever, and it really is completely internal and self-induced, no one but me/I made it happen. When someone else tells you that they no longer love you, or want to be with you, then really it is out of your control, you can't convince them aw force them to be with you aw love you. Bas when it is your own heart that you can't control it makes the sourness you feel at the realisation that they are not the ONE so much harder to bear.

New Motto

UFFAAAAA......MISH TAY2A!!!!

Virgin State of Mind

I am currently going through a personal revolution while reading a book entitled My Mother/Myself, by Nancy Friday, quite an amazing book that every woman should read and then give to her mother to read also.
Anyway, I found an interesting theory in it, that I also remember reading in The Colour Purple. In the book, My Mother/Myself, she is talking about the Virgin Mary, and she states a theory that heard: "Mary and Joseph did have sexual intercourse. What kept Mary chaste was that she wasn't thinking about it. She was pure of mind and with God. Therefore, it didn't count." In the Colour Purple, Celie has had two children, but she knows little about her own body. Shug's response to Celie's ignorance is: "Why Miss Celie you still a virgin." That is, Celie has never experienced orgasm or physical pleasure, or even emotional pleasure when she has had sex. Sex, to Shug, is synonymous with delicious pleasure, and if Celie is ignorant of that pleasure, then she is still a virgin to the world of sexuality.
The power of this theory, and I guess controversy is that it puts the virginity of a woman-which is of utmost importance in our culture-in the mind of woman, which means SHE controls it, and thus empowers her. It means that even if she is raped, married off against her will, or with a man that she does not love-even worse a man that she does love, she is still a virgin until she enjoys the physical act.
I talked about it with some friends of mine, and well as you might imagine, the men made fun and the women agreed...well some of them at least! I thought I would throw this out there for discussion, see what we come up with.

Weak Theory

I have come to a realisation that as a shageb-people-we are quite negative-and here I am talking about us Jordanians. And before all of you go into an uproar, I would like to stress that is theory is quite weak and up for improvement.
Bas I think that we are quite negative as a people, and I came to this conclusion after Cairo. I think that is why whenever we travel to Lebanon or Egypt, and we sit in the bars. restaurants or just walk around the streets we are amazed by how much these two people enjoy life. I think the reason behind that is that they are positive thinkers, they don't always look for the negative in everything...fa it seems like they are enjoying their lives more. I think it is good that we travel there, and look at them, interact with them, la2no we also loosen up a bit...I saw it on this trip, the Egyptians just know how to laugh and I think that is the trick, Lebanese people also do that, they have gone through wars and assassinations yet they are still able to laugh, to go out, to drink, dance and just enjoy their city and their lives. Look at the accent in both these countries, it is smooth and flowy...they both are excellent at giving complements, they are charming and extremely funny. While our accent is quite harsh, we are not very good at mujamalat, and we are not exactly reknowned for our humour.
I am not dissing Jordanians, hey I am one, bas I just realised inno we are quite a negative shageb...take for example this friend of mine, who I was talking to, and we were discussing if we had fun the other night or not...and what does he/she tell me? "anyways, its not important, sometimes you have fun and sometimes you don't" Could we be more negative...I mean instead of trying to see the positive in a situation what does this friend do...go straight for the negative...inno they didn't have fun...they were bored...uffaaaa...we as a people need to learn from the Lebanese and Egyptians how to chillax...how to enjoy whatever we are doing no matter how mundane or boring...as Mary Poppins said: "You have to find the element of fun, and SNAP the job's a game!"

Um IL Dunya!

I just came back from spending a few days in Cairo, and what an amazing city it is. I have been there before, with family, bas to go with friends just makes the experience so much richer, or maybe the more correct word is that the experience is just different. We staying in a nice hotel, and went to nice restaurants and bars...it was just great.
Bas what I realised is that there is something about a city that either has water running through it aw is by the sea/ocean. The people are different, and the feel of the city is just smoother. It is as if the people and the rhythm of the city are all flowing with the water. I lived in Arusha-in Tanzania-and it is completely landlocked and it was a nice little city, bas I realised the difference when I went to Dar El-Salam which is on the Indian Ocean...it smelt different, it was just moving...constantly.
If you think about it all the great cities of the world are around water, London, New York, Paris, Beirut, Cairo. I mean look at the difference between Riyadh and Jeddah, one is by the water the other is landlocked...the people of Jeddah are just more relaxed, the people of Riyadh are all uptight and conservative-am I generalising yes of course!
I love Amman, I have my friends here, family, and it is home...bas at the same time I feel as if it is none moving...stale...it changes a lot in the way it looks, bas I feel that it does not have a rhythm...a pace...it just is there...while Cairo you feel as if it is moving with the water of the Nile...people sit on the Kubri (what a great word!) they watch the water, they talk, fall in love, eat, drink and go for a walk, all by the water, it must have some effect on them! Egyptians ride the small boats, which are decorated with fluorescent lights of different colours, pink, blue, yellow...they are kind of tacky, bas great even then...they dance on them, romance each other. We go to Mecca Mall on a friday, they go for walks on the kubri and ride on the boats...I loved watching them on these boats, dancing, singing, just enjoying their river...the brilliant Nile!!!!
It is also no wonder that so many great writers, painters, musicians, artists in general have come from Cairo, I sat one night and wrote in diary for ages, and I was inspired by the Nile...by the sounds of the city...the sound of the car horns mixed in with the sound of the water...looking at the boats floating by...it was GREAT!
No wonder its called Um IL Dunya...it deserves that name completely.

Rampaging Campaign of Hatred

A friend of mine came up with a theory, the Mental Hate Campaign, (MHC). Now the bases of this theory, is that sometime you start to dislike someone, and its not because they have done anything persay, its just that you don't like them. It is all in the mind, ya3ni if you try to explain the reasons to someone, it would all be piety stuff, and really things that don't make sense when vocalised. Bas in your mind-and what an amazing place the mind is-it all fits, all the little habits that before you found endearing now just knock on your nerves, the voice, the way they flick their hair, the way they hold a cup, or smoke a ciggie...all these things that before you would not have noticed, now SCREAM out at you.
I have MHC's quite a lot...I try to control them-the same friend who came up with MHC said that you have to think of the brain like a TV...when something comes on that you don't like...pick up the remote control and change channels-fa I do that...I try to switch channels...bas it does not always work. Sometimes the woman in my mind, just won't switch channels...the remote only goes from one thing I don't like to another...reinforcing the MHC.
The good thing about MHC is that since they go on in the mind and you can't really vocalise them-you end up sounding like a fifth grader-at some point the mind gets bored and finally the remote starts to work and you move on...leaving the MHC behind to be forgotten till the next victim pops up on the screen!

Balance your life

I have started taking Pilates classes at the Body Design in Abdoun, and since I am doing it with a few friends it kind of forces me to go which is really very good. I am quite happy that I have started these classes, everyone who has done them says that pilates are the best way to get a toned body. I mean look at Madonna, she is in her 50's bas her body looks like a 20 year olds.
But-and I am sure you all knew that there was a but-while in class yesterday, I looked around and saw the level of concentration that the women in class had on their faces, and I realised that we were in a self induces torture. Why do we do it to ourselves? Well there are several reasons, and low and behold today in the Guardian there was an article that dealt with one such reason. Lets force celebs to look like normal people, starts with this quote: Every woman I know, myself included, keeps a mental list of all the things she hates about her body, an idiosyncratic taxonomy of self-loathing that frequently makes her sob into her pillow, alternately refuse and binge on biscuits and hide in corners at parties, if she can find one big enough to fit the perceived epic dimensions of her thighs. I for one know that there are certain parts of my body that I despise, that makes me just want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Now that summer is just around the corner, and the dread-and I guarantee that a lot of women are DREADING- of the swimsuit issue has started to surface. The thought of walking around in public with our bodies so exposed when they are not perfect-whatever that means-is well scary and if not then at least daunting. How shite that men can walk around with beer belles, hairy shoulders and no one gives them a second glance, bas a woman walking around with a bit of excess fat, or a hair not shaved off, and the whole beach starts staring and talking-ok exaggeration bas you get my drift.
Bas back to Pilates, so I am enjoying what I am doing, and after only two classes, I do feel better, not so unhealthy. But I also know that my muscles are aching, and that I am having trouble walking up and down the stair today-and yesterday the teacher was really in a mood to cause us as much pain as she could-and we like the herd that we are, just went along on this hour of trauma!!!!

Goodbye

Yesterday Arsenal said goodbye to Highbury, in a match that really was amazing. 4-2 for Arsenal, and what a way to say farwell to the old home of my team! After all these years, it is time to move on and up.

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE HERE WE COME!!!!

Decisions

I have lately been wondering if the choices I have made in my life, are the right ones. Bas the thought that I have really have been musing, was why have I decided that these are the options open to me. As in did my parents push me in certain directions, was the way they responded, frowned, smiled at what I was considering the reason why I did or didn't do something? Or maybe it is society, am I rebelling against my society, so I do, act in a certain way?
It makes you wonder if we really make our decisions or if all that we are doing is just choosing from a list that someone else has written for us? I really don't know, my parents have never told me no, I wanted to go to the UK they said fine, I wanted to move back to Jordan they said tayib, I want to go and teach in New York they are ok. Bas is the fact that I wanted to do a PhD, that I want to go into academia, is that really what little Lulwa wanted? Honestly, nope, I wanted to be an astronaut, then a lawyer...me a teacher...damn...never even considered it.
I have been revising some of the decisions I have made, and I find that maybe they have not really been made by me...as in I didn't sit with myself and really think-Lulwa you really want this? I just thought, this is the right thing to do, bas right for who I never really considered that question.
But looking at it right now, is making me reconsider what I have chosen to do, and not only that but also what my friends have done, decisions that they have made. Maybe they are freer then me, but I don't think so.