V-day

I come from the "down there" generation. That is, those were the words-spoken rarely and in a hushed voice-that the women in my family used to refer to all female genitalia, internal or external.

It wasn't that they were ignorant of terms like vagina, labia, vulva, or clitoris. On the contrary, they were trained to be teachers and probably had more access to information than most.

It wasn't even that they were unliberated, or "straitlaced," as they would have put it. One grandmother earned money from her strict Protestant church by ghostwriting sermons-of which she didn't believe a word-and then earned more by betting it on horse races. The other was a suffragist, educator, and even an early political candidate, all to the alarm of many in her Jewish community. As for my own mother, she had been a pioneer newspaper reporter years before I was born, and continued to take pride in bringing up her two daughters in a more enlightened way than she had been raised. I don't remember her using any of the slang words that made the female body seem dirty or shameful, and I'm grateful for that. As you'll see in these pages, many daughters grew up with a greater burden.

Nonetheless, I didn't hear words that were accurate, much less prideful. For example, I never once heard the word clitoris. It would be years before I learned that females possessed the only organ in the human body with no function other than to feel pleasure. (If such an organ were unique to the male body, can you imagine how much we would hear about it-and what it would be used to justify?) Thus, whether I was learning to talk, to spell, or to take care of my own body; I was told the name of each of its amazing parts except in one unmentionable area. This left me unprotected against the shaming words and dirty jokes of the school yard and, later, against the popular belief that men, whether as lovers or physicians, knew more about women's bodies than women did.

I first glimpsed the spirit of self-knowledge and freedom that you will find in these pages when I lived in India for a couple of years after college. In Hindu temples and shrines I saw the lingam, an abstract male genital symbol, but I also saw the yoni, a female genital symbol, for the first time: a flowerlike shape, triangle, or double-pointed oval. I was told that thousands of years ago, this symbol had been worshiped as more powerful than its male counterpart, a belief that carried over into Tantrism, whose central tenet is man's inability to reach spiritual fulfillment except through sexual and emotional union with woman's superior spiritual energy. It was a belief so deep and wide that even some of the woman-excluding, monotheistic religions that came later retained it in their traditions, although such beliefs were (and still are) marginalized or denied as heresies by mainstream religious leaders.

For example: Gnostic Christians worshiped Sophia as the female Holy Spirit and considered Mary Magdalene the wisest of Christ's disciples; Tantric Buddhism still teaches that Buddhahood resides in the vulva; the Sufi mystics of Islam believe that fana, or rapture, can be reached only through Fravahi, the female spirit; the Shekina of Jewish mysticism is a version of Shakti, the female soul of God; and even the Catholic church included forms of Mary worship that focused more on the Mother than on the Son. In many countries of Asia, Africa, and other parts of the world where gods are still depicted in female as well as in male forms, altars feature the Jewel in the Lotus and other representations of the Lingam-in-the-yoni. In India, the Hindu goddesses Durga and Kali are embodiments of the yoni powers of birth and death, creation and destruction.
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Excerpted from The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler.

Warped

I have come to the realisation that I am currently living three very different lives. There are three Lulwa's existing-somehow-in one body. There is the Lulwa with her friends, who laughs, chats, and just living in a world that seems to exclude all negative-except for the group politics and dramas. Then there is the Lulwa who is at home, her good friend's father has passed away and he is staying with us, so I try to cheer him up, while in my mind all I can think is: "how would I feel if it was my dad who had passed away?" and "he is so strong". Then there is the lulwa who is working on her PhD, listening to the news and has emotions that go from pure anger, to depression, to frustration-and these feels are for both my PhD and what is happening in our region.
How these three are living together, and actually surviving I have no idea whatsoever...they just are...I think it must be a bit healthy to have these feelings and this different Lulwas...no person can be the same wherever they go and whoever they are with. I have been called a chameleon before...and when I was first called that I took it as an insult. Bas I think it is normal...can you see that I am trying to convince myself?!?!?
You have to adapt, to who you are talking to, to the situation, place you find yourself. The lulwa that goes out drinking with her friends in West Amman, can't be the same as the one who goes to Saudi and visits her family there.
I have friends who tell me-with pride-that they can't ijamlo (humour others), and I used to think that this was a trait that I should foster. Bas I have come to realise that if you don't itjamil then you end up alone in the end. I am not saying that people should change drastically...aw compromise on things and ideas that they believe are fundamental. Bas I also think that there situations where one has to step back...and just smile and let people think that everything is ok...wallah I have no idea if I am making sense...and not sure which lulwa is speaking right now...bas it is a thought that I have been having. The strangest thing is when I am speaking to a friend on the phone-so friends lulwa is on-and my parents call me...the clash between the Lulwas is very odd...and very obvious to me...my voice even changes!

Death

The images that we see daily on TV, the movies that we watch all have somehow made us-or let me not generalise made me-unable or more like accustomed to images of death and people dieing. I had to rethink that yesterday. My dad’s best-friend, my mom’s best-friends husband, and my childhood friend’s father passed away yesterday morning from Cancer. He had been ill for awhile, and I guess it was expected. But I have always been unable to go to hospitals and don’t have the ability that others seem to have to deal with illness. So I didn’t go and see him as much as I should have.
So yesterday when I finally woke up, I found the house empty, only to talk to my father and hear the bad news.
For the rest of the day, I just sat at home and was thinking about it. I have never had someone close to me die-so the idea or concept of death I have never really had to deal with. Well that is not true my grandparents are all dead other then one, bas I was quite young. The idea that someone is gone, not for a trip, or for immigration, or I don’t know, up to the moon…bas just GONE. He will no longer make me laugh, he will not longer make my father laugh-and he was one of the few who could do that-I will not longer be able to talk to him about the situation in Palestine, and hear him analysis it. It all just hit me at different points last night. Bas I think the distressing thing is that my friend no longer has a father. I have no idea how that must be like.
I am an only child (and so is my friend), and to be honest my worst fear is my parent’s death, la2no then I will be completely on my own. I have friends, I have a very supportive extended family, bas my parents are my backbone. To imagine my life without then just feels me with the greatest fear…my hands shake just thinking about it.
I always watched in movies as little kids were explained death, and I always thought that it was a hard concept for a child to understand. But after what happened yesterday, I realise that it is a hard concept FULL STOP. One of my very good friends was telling that ‘Lulwa you need to re-evaluate how you view God and religion’, for it seems that when his grandmother passed away he became more religious. Bas I can’t, or more like I don’t want to, I have always believed what I believe, and that is after a lot of discussion and a lot of self analysis. I was never able to see how people become religious when someone they love passes away, la2no my thought is why take someone I love away? Bas that is beside the point, I am just sad, and I am deeply moved…his death has awoke a side of me that had become complacent with all the images that we are bombarded with.

My he Rest in Peace. I will always remember him, and what a great man, father and friend he was.

lets not forget

I was watching on aljazeera the demonstrations going on around the world becasue of what is happening in Palestine and Lebanon...and I was proud to see the Arab street waking up again-and in Jordan especially.
But I was disappointed to see that the Iraqi flag was not side by side with the flags of other two nations suffering.
Let us not forget that in Iraq people are dieing daily...that they are being killed, they are suffering, and that it has been going on for awhile now.

The three flags should be held just as highly as each other!!!!

Article

If Israel has the right to use force in self defence, so do its neighbours.
Ahmad Samih Khalidi
Tuesday July 18, 2006
The Guardian

And here we go...

So Haifa was hit, and they are asking people to leave there homes in the South of Lebanon...while on Haaretz they are proudly stating that Veterinary services offer food, shelter to abandoned pets in Nahariya...WTF MATE...as for me...after watching Beirut being hit...and realising places that I had been to...bridges I had driven over...shops I had walked pasted...I am getting more and more bitter...more and more depressed...and more and more proud of what Hizbullah is doing. For the first time Israel is feeling what we as Arabs have been getting used to. Haifa mayor, Yona Yahav states, "It has been a sad morning for us - the type of morning we are not accustomed to since the [1991] Gulf War." I have no sympathy...I never thought that I would reach a point where I would read a statement like that and still feel nothing...al they are not accustomed...well its about time they did get accustomed.
I am not going to get into if what Hizbullah did was right or not...worthy or not...bas right now the priority is for Lebanon to stay united...like they did when Syria was forced to leave...the important thing is that at least Hizbullah is able to fight back...I don't know...last night I was talking to a friend of mine who had always been quite moderate in his opinions...and he was so angry so frustrated that he had changed...he was talking about how we should terrorise them...that we should do whatever we can to make them uncomfortable...miserable. I don't know if I am making any sense...my mother is still in Lebanon in Beirut and we currently have no way of getting her out-the UN is completely confused and well hopefully in a few days they will ship them out-I am worried...but I talked to her last night...and she was like Lulwa this is not about people anymore, this is about Lebanon and the cause-adiyeh. And it is...and that is why Hizbullah has to continue...Hamas has to continue...khalas dala3 and khalas just talk...at least someone is taking action!

The best thing...

I was out with my friends last night...and all I could think about was my book that I had left on my bed...turned inside out...waiting for me to come back to see where Lyra and her Deamon will end up.
I love that feeling. When all you are looking forward to, is to get home, make a hot chocolate-yes I do that-and sit in ones bed reading a great book.
I used to do it all the time in the UK...and lately I have repicked that habit up...best feeling...I SWEAR!

Woke up...

I woke up today to the sound of my phone beeping...opened my drowsy eyes and read a message from a friend of mine: "fuck they bombed Beirut airport its been closed." I had to read it at least four times, for I knew what that meant...a friend of mine is in Beirut right now and he was supposed to fly back today...well instantly I jumped out of bed, ran to the TV to find my dad already watching. I texted my friend in Beirut, only to hear more bad news from him, that all the taxis were full and he didn't know how to get out.
I sat on the coach and thought of my mama, she is also in Beirut...we tried to call her bas as was expected all the lines were busy...finally my text message got to her, and bless her heart-she's not that good with technology-wrote back a three word reply: "ok at home." My dad and I could relax, home for my parents in Beirut is in Broumaneh-up in the mountains-also my mom works for the United Nations, fa I knew that if the shit really hit the fan they would have my mom (and other UNers) out of there in a jiffy!
So then we sit...and the news starts to get worse and worse...Israeli navy entering Lebanese water...bombing a school behind a UN building in the south...and the final thing now...making another zone in the south (20 km into Lebanese land), exactly like how it was before the 'liberation'. I am on the Haaretz webpage...confirming or denying the news that LBC and Aljazeera are reporting to my father...we finally got through to my mom...we called the house phone from our land line...and she was cutting and we could not hear her clearly...and that really freaked me out...my little mama all on her on there...and I just wanted to cry...still do...but I know it will be ok. I know that watching the news-especially how my dad does it, none stop-makes it all seem a lot worse then it really is...bas I am worried, I am scared...and I am angry...what are they doing...why are they escalating it so much...why not negotiate...give back the prisoners and take back your two soldiers...why do this...WHY?????



p.s. my friend did find a taxi, one taking him to Syria...and then from there he would have to find one that will bring him to Amman...am waiting for a text from him to tell me that he crossed and is in Syria.